“Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager.”
That line hit me like a ton of bricks when I first heard it in Rachel Lovely’s recent viral TikTok, which has now amassed an impressive 2.5 million views and counting. The Chicago-based photographer and soon-to-be mom dropped this truth bomb while sharing what she’s learned from the ultimate village-builder in her life—her mother.
And let’s be clear: Rachel’s mom doesn’t just build villages. As Rachel puts it, “She builds like a bustling metropolis!” We’re talking seven-lane highways where most of us have dirt roads. The kind of community creator who could be dropped anywhere on earth and have 50 lifelong friends within six months.
I don’t know about you, but watching Rachel’s TikTok had me doing some serious soul-searching. Am I more of a village-seeker or a village-builder? Do I give as much as I take? And why is it so darn hard for most of us to build the communities we desperately crave?
The comments section is equally thought-provoking. As kmonkeyy points out, “this is how immigrant populations survive, we did this growing up.” What many consider a trendy concept is actually an age-old survival strategy for many communities.
Related: Who should be in your village: Planning postpartum care
The Scorekeeper Trap
According to Rachel, one of the biggest barriers to building true community is our tendency to keep score. Her mother will happily drive three hours round trip to pick up a friend’s daughter from the airport, complete with a thoughtful water bottle and trail mix. But here’s the key: “She doesn’t go home and keep that as like a running tally in her notebook,” Rachel explains.
There’s no mental ledger of favors owed, no expectation of immediate payback. She simply does it “because she genuinely cares about making your life easier.”
Dr. Robin Dunbar, anthropologist, evolutionary psychologist, and author of Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships would likely nod in agreement. His research suggests humans are naturally wired for reciprocal relationships, but the strongest social bonds come from what he calls “generalized reciprocity”—giving without immediate expectation of return.
The independence myth
Another village-killer? The American myth of hyper-independence.
“The first step in creating an effective village is recognizing that you need other people,” Rachel notes. “This ‘I can figure it all out by myself, I don’t need help from anyone’ is so detrimental to creating community.”
As commenter bohemiancam succinctly puts it: “People don’t realize you actually have to ENGAGE to be a part of a Village.” Or as scoops advises those who tend to isolate: “it’s okay to rest, but don’t pull away. Your village won’t judge you, your village wants to see and hear and love you.”
She’s backed by science on this one. A 2021 study quoted in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that Americans increasingly view self-reliance as a virtue, yet this mindset correlates with higher levels of loneliness and decreased life satisfaction.
Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, whose research on social connection has made waves in public health circles, puts it bluntly: “There’s robust evidence that social isolation and loneliness significantly increase risk for premature mortality, and the magnitude of the risk exceeds that of many leading health indicators.”
Translation: That fierce independence might look good on Instagram, but it’s literally shortening our lives.
The vulnerability challenge
Perhaps the toughest part of village-building is learning to receive help, not just give it.
“Another pitfall of creating a village is always being willing to go get someone from the airport, but never asking anyone to get you from the airport,” Rachel points out. That reluctance to be vulnerable—to admit we need help—keeps many of us from experiencing true community.
Brené Brown (who else?) has been telling us this for years. Her research found that vulnerability—the willingness to be seen in our imperfect humanity—is the cornerstone of meaningful connection. Those “I don’t want to be a burden” thoughts? They’re actually keeping us isolated.
The four walls problem
Here’s the part that had me feeling personally attacked: “The village is happening outside,” Rachel reminds us with brutal honesty. “You have to go to the parties, you have to go to the happy hours, you have to go to the bridal showers.”
As someone who has declined invitations because my couch and Netflix were calling, this hit home. Rachel admits it’s her “least favorite part” of village-building too, especially during Chicago winters at “negative 14 degrees.”
But proximity matters. A fascinating study published in Social Networks found that physical distance remains one of the strongest predictors of friendship formation and maintenance, even in our digital age. Those spontaneous encounters at the neighborhood block party or PTA meeting create the foundation for deeper connections.
Is it worth it?
If you’re wondering whether all this village-building effort pays off, Rachel’s story offers a resounding yes.
Eight months pregnant at the time of her TikTok, Rachel shared how her mother’s vast network threw her a baby shower with more than 50 women attending—some of whom had never even met Rachel but showed up simply because they love her mom. The result? “I have not bought a single thing for my baby,” Rachel marvels. “Not one sock, not one diaper.”
That’s just one tangible benefit. Research shows that strong social networks correlate with everything from better physical health to increased longevity, lower rates of depression, and faster recovery from illness.
Building your own metropolis
So how do we become more like Rachel’s mom? How do we transform from village-seekers to metropolis-builders?
- Stop keeping score. Do favors because you want to, not because you expect something in return.
- Embrace interdependence. Ask for brown sugar when you need it, and share yours freely when others ask.
- Practice vulnerability. Request airport pickups sometimes, don’t just offer them.
- Leave your four walls. Show up to the things, even when Netflix beckons.
- Trust the process. As Rachel’s mom would say, “It all comes out in the wash” eventually.
In our efficiency-obsessed culture, village-building can feel inefficient. It takes time. It requires emotional investment. Sometimes it means driving three hours to pick up someone’s daughter when you could be doing something “productive.”
But as Rachel’s pregnant self can attest—having received a fully-stocked nursery without purchasing a single item—the returns on that investment are immeasurable.
The African proverb tells us it takes a village to raise a child. Perhaps what we’ve forgotten is that it also takes a child-like openness to create that village in the first place.
One of Rachel’s observations about her mother’s community-building prowess particularly resonated with viewers: “You do not need Uber, you do not need Amazon, you do not need Instacart.” This prompted commenter kpmtg to make a powerful economic observation: “‘You won’t need Uber/Amazon/Instacart’ THIS is why companies are destroying our villages. We have to fight back.”
Another commenter, Cbd, perhaps put it most succinctly: “This is a ✨Matriarchal Economy✨” – a beautiful reminder that what Rachel’s mother has created isn’t just a social network but an alternative economic system based on cooperation rather than consumption.
The question isn’t whether we need a village—we all do. The question is: are we ready to be villagers?
Source:
- Social isolation and loneliness significantly increase risk for premature mortality. American Psychological Association. 2017. “Julianne Holt-Lunstad probes loneliness, social connections.”
- Physical distance remains one of the strongest predictors of friendship. 2012. Science Direct. “Does proximity matter? Distance dependence of adolescent friendships.”
- Strong social networks correlate with better physical health. 2000. “From social integration to health: Durkheim in the new millennium.”
